Friday, April 19, 2013

in a funk



Oh, today was hard.  Nothing I could pin-point, which is how it sneaks up on me.  I always hit my lowest moods when everything seems just fine.  When things are stressful or uncertain, and people need me, and there are matters pressing for my attention, I can pull up, most of the time.  BUT, when I'm hormonal and it's snowing in late April, and everything else is just fine in my life, that's a recipe for a serious funk for me.

I start to question everything.  I want to do something drastic, pack everyone up and drive for days until I hit the ocean and dive in, join the circus, go get a degree in environmental engineering, or something, anything.  I feel unworthy, insignificant in the face of the world's sorrows.  I can't find the gratitude for my amazing, imperfect, joyful existence; I only see that I don't deserve to have privileges that others do not have.

I'm writing about this, not because I think I'm unique in my little existential crisis, but because I think I am not.  I see so much beauty in others, in my family, my community, the world at large, and I think that it is all outside of me.  I get mired in those past tapes of ugly, shameful moments where I said or did things that were not in line with my values. However insignificant they may be, they feel huge.  Today, I just chose to sit with all of this discomfort, to ask for space from my family when necessary so my grump didn't spill over on them.  When these difficult emotional states hit us hard, I think the human tendency is to fight it or fix it or numb it with busyness (or other means).  I find that when I give myself permission to just feel it, to go deep into it until I come out the other side, the struggle is softened.

I make a conscious effort in my daily life to approach others with respect and openness, to not judge when others stumble, and then I see that I need to extend those same kindnesses to myself.  So, slowly I remember how to feel the gratitude for my amazing, imperfect, beautifully messy, bright existence.

Photo

While I was typing up this post, my little 3-year-old came out of bed and said, "Mama, I need you."  I simply said, "I need you, too," and went in for a snuggle.  Everything is so much more than just fine.

4 comments:

  1. Hey Nikole, I could have written this myself! You have succinctly summed up how I feel when I suffer from dark, itchy moods. I am certain many of my minor existential crisis are down to hormones - It can be too hard to stay strong and grounded and find the joy at times. Thanks for sharing, it is good to know we are not alone xx

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  2. Thanks, Lou. It IS good to know that we're not alone. xx

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  3. I feel myself starting to feel overwhelmed by stuff I need to do. But thanks to your post I don't need to do it. F it. Its not important. Thanks. I needed that.

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  4. Niki,
    You have a lot of insight into everyday life. David used to talk to his soul, asking it why it was downcast. Elton would just resign himself and say, " I guess that's why they call it the blues! "
    Love, Pops

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