Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Arrggggh

I'm going to go off on an uncharacteristic rant.  Because, well, I'm just having one of those weeks that tumbles you under, and I know we all have them sometimes.  None of the things that are overwhelming me are monumental but they've just added up and wow! I'm having a hard time being the parent/person I want to be.

Here goes:
Ayla has taken to screaming loud and often.  The kind of scream that used to be reserved for "I've climbed up on the kitchen table and I can't get down. Get me now!" is now used for "I'm awake", "I want what my sister has", or "the puppy is looking at me funny" or one of hundreds of other sensations flooding her body.  I'm hoping it's quick-lived teething and not a new prolonged phase.  It's wearing me down.

Sylvia has taken to answering questions with a response halfway between cryptic and sassy.  I should probably stop asking her questions.  If I ask her what she wants for snack and she wants string cheese, she might just yell, "stringer, pinger!" or say, "I'll give you a hint...string ch-".  It's all in the tone of voice.

Camille proclaims that she still loves school, but she's taken to random bouts of wanting to lash out at her schoolmates 'for no reason'.

The big ol' rooster has started to rush at and attack the girls now that his ladies are laying, so Sylvia's scared to go outside.

With so much effort gone into big house projects lately, the day-to-day housework has me feeling swamped.

We've also put a lot of money into the house, and well, it's a bit tight now.

My general energy level seems to be waning with the colder, shorter days.

And I will not underestimate the effect hormones undoubtedly have on my mood as well.

Amidst all these feeling of irritability there is still crafting, and drawing, and singing Christmas carols, and folding and cutting umpteen paper snowflakes, and bedtime stories and snuggles, and helping a four year old learn how to sew with a needle, and building fires, and hauling in wood and... and....  So, if I find myself shouting, "just kick the rooster," or hiding in the bathroom for five minutes eating champorado (my new favorite comfort food), I'll just try to by kind to myself, apologize if I need to, accept where I'm at, and know that while finding the positive is a good thing, sometimes just looking squarely at what's bugging you can go a long way towards moving past it.  Thanks for hearing me out, I somehow feel a teeny bit better already.

Oh yeah, and I'm posting this at 2:00 in the morning.  Can't sleep either.

2 comments:

  1. I remember once, years ago when the kids were small, finding myself in the laundry room, just standing there. I don't remember going in there. Just remember standing there and those few minutes of silence and serenity. It was bliss.

    So, yes. I know. Yes, yes, yes. And yes, to looking straight at it, looking at it squarely. Yes to crying sometimes, and yes to saying, Agh!!! and yes to feeling just a bit better for calling it how it is.

    Ah, I am sending a HUGE hug! I hope you can feel it, Nikole. :)

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  2. Hugs coming your way from me as well!!! I totally know how you feel...trying to be the best parents we can be but yet feeling like we are failing somedays because we aren't the best parents we could be or should be. I am just learning that both my children have sensory processing disorder so I am quite used to rants and screams over twisted socks, or the wrong colour plate, or oh no it's not time to brush hair again is it???? I feel guilty myself some nights when I put them to bed and say "thank goodness! I can relax now". I even put them to bed 20 minutes early the other night because I needed quiet time. Most of my days are frazzled...I know I should be able to cope better with their issues but for heavens sake I need a moment to myself sometimes too! I think that is where we all fail...we try and try and try to be the best parents we can be...but sometimes that means taking a few minutes for ourselves. So go have a cup of tea and relax...all of our children will survive even if we have a few more grey hairs in the process :) All we can do is be the best parents we can be in the moment and personally I think you are an amazing parent from what I read here anyway!!!

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