Monday, December 17, 2012

sadness and connection

Today was not one of my better days.  I felt low-energy, saddened, and grumpy.  I tried to finish making Christmas/Solstice presents, pay the bills, cook nourishing food, gear up for a holiday road-trip next weekend, etc.  Even though I was already feeling stressed, I agreed to play a game of Memory when my girls begged me to.

 After all of the cards were finally laid out, the little monkeys were all-kinds-of distracted.  "Do you still want to play this?"  "Yeah!"  "OK, let's do it then."  I was sitting on the floor, they're noisy and still running around, and I just lost it.  I yelled something about them wasting my time and my patience.  Little Ayla came up to me, in her 2 year old wisdom, said, "Mama, I don't like the way you're talking to me."  I softened considerably and apologized simply.  I love that she feels comfortable to say this to me.  While my mood wasn't gone, it was contained.

I thought I needed some time to myself, so I went into my bedroom when the girls got interested in a game of Kirby's Epic Yarn on the Wii.  Within minutes, Camille joined me, so we started watching Drive Thru History America, a DVD from the library that we're both interested in, while I continued to work on making presents.  In five more minutes, Sylvia and Ayla joined us and started being a little wild.  I could feel my tension and irritation rising again.  I felt like yelling and/or running away, but  instead I half-laid on them and made a joke about having really uncomfortable, wiggly pillows.  Ten minutes later, all three girls were climbing on me, kissing on me, being my pillows and blankets, and giggling like crazy.  My grumpiness had at last dissolved in our laughter.

I have found many times that what we ALL need is more connection, not less.  I will have so much more opportunity in my life for me-time as my children grow, but right now, I am so grateful to them.  I am grateful that they can see my stress and sadness, call me out, soften me up, and help me laugh, even when I am resistant.

Don't be discouraged by your incapacity to dispel darkness from the world.  Light your candle and step forward.
~Amma

7 comments:

  1. Oh man. Now you made me cry because I am all sorts of grumpy at the moment and you are so right.

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  2. You are so right, it is easy to disconnect and think that is what we should do but usually it is reconnection we need. Thank goodness we have our children to keep us grounded and remind us of that.

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  3. Yes when I get grumpy I also tend to pull away. This sounds so much like what happened to me but mine started from the youngest asking to read me a story and ended with the whole family in bed for group snuggle. It was a perfect moment and just what I needed. :)

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  4. Ingi, my heart goes out to you.

    Blogging can feel like stringing together words and images and leaving them dangling in a window, not knowing who might gaze in on them. Sometimes it feels joyful, sometimes insignificant, sometimes vulnerable. Today, knowing that my words reached some of you, out there in the world, brought tears to my eyes.

    The connections may be 'virtual', but the feelings are real. Thank you for gazing in the window and connecting :)

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  5. Such a lovely post. I have had quite a few of those not quite so good days recently, mostly due to low energy & money worries. Your post really reminded me that while I may not be able to control everything, I can always choose connection in that moment and move the energy of the day into a happier place. Thank you x I really love being able to read your blog, it is one of the things that has inspired me to listen to my children and embrace unschooling. Love to you all Gina xxxx

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  6. So poignant. I think we all have those moments and it's so wonderful when our little ones remind us what's important. Be present. Thanks so much for sharing your blog presence with us. Bright blessings.

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  7. Such a beautiful, honest and heartfelt post. I've been in the same emotional space. I love that your relationship is one where your kids can point things out to you and can come to you to be with you. I have that with my daughter. I didn't have that with my mom. It's good that we do things differently. We are creating beautiful relationships. Sending you lots of happy thoughts and positive energy.

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