Wednesday, November 3, 2010

a moment of self reflection



I think I was nearly in my thirties, when I fully realized that I was, for no good reason, pretending to be more stupid than I really am.  Not often, and not intentionally, but nonetheless dumbing myself down.  It started in elementary school, and definitely escalated through junior high and high school.  I was naturally a "brainy" kid, who got very good grades, and actually thought calculus and chemistry were fun.  I was not, however, very self-confident and these are not qualities likely to foster easy friendships and camaraderie in school.  Anyway, I noticed myself, out of years of habit, still doing this in my adult life.  Of what possible benefit (social or otherwise) could there be to acting like a slightly dumb homeschooling mama?

There are times I am socially awkward.  I am often distracted and lose my train of thought (hmm, caring for 3 young childrren), and sometimes I am just plain awkward with my words (my thoughts tend to originate in pictures, patterns, and emotions and then need to be translated into words), but I come by these things honestly. I am no longer feigning a "ditziness" that is not mine.

Undoubtedly, there are schooled children who do not feel these pressures, or who respond to them with more confidence, but I hope that by raising my daughters in an environment of radical acceptance and positive interactions, that they never feel pressured to dumb themselves down.  I know they will go through phases and try on different attitudes, but I am confident that they will feel comfortable to express who they truly are.

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